Destitution
by Neflanthir
Summary: Destitution is never easy and certainly isn’t fun for those involved. Psychotherapist Kai and one of his patients, Tala finds this out the hard way. Shounenai. Please R&R!
1. Meet Kai

Destitute (adj.): Absolute want/need

Destitution (n)

Destitution is never easy and certainly isn't fun for those involved. Psychotherapist Kai and one of his patients, a traumatised Tala finds this out the hard way. May be shounen-ai later, undecided. Please R&R!

AU Kai X Tala Pairing

Kai Hiwatari is a young, talented psychotherapist, who consults for all social classes. He is accurate, hard working and professional, but also emotive and compassionate. Kai is highly regarded in his profession and well liked as a person.

Tala Valkov is a patient of Kai's. Now in the care of a wealthy family, Tala was born into a working-class family who were unable to support him and gave him to an Abbey to be cared for. Things did not go as planned however, and by the time Tala was eventually 'rescued' and 'taken-in' by his current carers, he had been left with many mental and physical scars.

* * *

I met an interesting new patient today, a few years younger than me yet has had far more life experience than myself, and unfortunately, none of it good. He's going to be difficult to help but I'm not going to give up, he needs someone who won't fail him, he deserves that much. He is very much afraid of people, not that I can blame him, and seems to greatly dislike being called Mr Valkov, so for our first session, I think I'm going t try calling him by his first name, Tala. It is a beautiful name, Native American for wolf, though it is generally a girl's name. Perhaps his parents wanted a girl, or perhaps they didn't realise, or didn't care. Either way, the name suits him and he does seem to have a love for wolves, so it's appropriate.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not really sure how best to try and help him. He doesn't want to talk to anyone, he has no wish to relive the nightmare of his life, but rather hide away from the world and try to protect himself. The first thing I need to do is gain his trust so that he is willing to talk to me, not necessarily about what happened, just anything at all. I think what he really needs is a friend, but it would be difficult for anyone to befriend him, his scars run too deep.

Usually, I look at the profile, meet the person and then try to imagine the problems, so I know how best to deal with it, but in this case I just don't have any idea at all. The amount of physical and mental abuse he's suffered and from such a young age, I just can't imagine how that would affect someone, it seems impossible that such a thing could have happened in this day and age, yet it has. I think they were right to bring him here from Moscow, the farther from Russia and his past he is the better.

I would be somewhat interested to view the complete medical report from when he was first examined, I know from the little I have been told that he was not in good condition, but equally, I have no wish to know, because I know it was horrendous. But as well as being malnutrition, beaten and 'trained' excessively, there was also all the mental abuse had been forced to endure, as well as the programming he received. This is going to be very difficult to deal with; he won't take kindly to anyone prying, let alone a 'shrink'. I just hope that I can get through to him, I have no doubt he could hold a constructive place in society and have a happy life if only I can succeed.

I think I'm going to put some studying into the subject, the 'on-goings' in Balkov Abbey are certainly well publicised, though unfortunately the press has a bad habit of misconstruing proceedings, or at least helping the rest of us to. Thankfully, or unfortunately, they have no knowledge of the redhead, who was without any doubt the worst of them, surprising, considering he was their favourite. I can't help but wonder if the boy had been raped, or perhaps I should say sodomized, some of his reactions suggest he has been, while others suggest not. Either way, I think I should stay clear of that subject until I have his complete trust, which will probably be a very long time, if not forever.

After reading the material I can find on Balkov Abbey I can come to only one conclusion, the people who ran it are criminally insane, especially the proprietor, Doctor Balkov. I think it was one of these 'take over the world' plans that you see in movies, but the things they put those boys through is unbelievable. Tala was obviously deemed to be the most worthwhile, which is why they pushed him harder than everyone else, certainly, he seems more like a robot than a boy, but the injuries they all sustained were awful, they can't have thought of them as fellow humans.

He is going to take a lot of reprogramming, which isn't going to be easy, but still, he was beaten or tortured, so perhaps it's possible he rebelled for some reason, maybe that's how they found out what was going on there in the first place? I shall have to ask at some point, though obviously not for a while. It's unusual for me to take such an interest in a patient, I'm not sure whether it's because of my humanitarian feelings, or because he's a challenge, but the more I learn the more I want to know. I don't know whether that's good or bad, I don't suppose it will hurt so long as I keep things in perspective, I certainly don't need to allow myself to become obsessive, or for my concentration to fail me, after all, I have plenty of others in need of my help, just not as much as him.

I need to stop thinking about this and get out for a while. I wonder what there is to do though? I know, I can check what's on at the cinema, I haven't been for a while and that doesn't require dragging someone else around, they never want to do anything this day of the week. Well, I'm not sure about any of those, but I'll go anyway, it will be good for me to get out for a while.

* * *

I know it's rather short, but this is just a teaser chapter to find out whether the fic is worth continuing with, please let me know. I'm also curious as to whether to write it as a shounen-ai fic or just a friendship one. Anyway, let me know what you think. Thanks! 


	2. Meet Tala

This country is strange, well; compared to what I'm used to at least, probably it's quite normal. I don't understand why they're expending all this effort on me it doesn't make sense. I'm a nobody from another country, why should they care what happens to me either way? I know the way I was brought up was wrong, so I don't really understand the way things work in the real world, but still…

They're expecting too many answers from me and seem to think I'm defective or something. I'm being sent to a psychiatrist or something, I mean, he seemed nice enough and all, but people aren't really nice are they? No one does something for nothing and he gets paid to do this, so there isn't any reason for him to really care at all. I don't have any intention of just talking about my life, the most I'll get is pity and the least I'll get is disgust, neither are things I want. How could anyone possibly understand any of us? We were brought up completely differently from everyone else.

Also, my curiosity towards what is considered 'normal' has brought nothing but trouble. I didn't realise asking if some of the things that we did was okay would result in the beating I received, let alone the closing down of the Abbey. Was our training really so awful? It was all we knew, so it didn't really hurt us…

I don't understand this place, these people, they all show so much weakness yet they don't think of it as that, all these emotions and this kindness is normal, ideal even. It all just seems too unreal; this isn't what we were taught. Maybe this place is an exception; it is only a small town after all, there isn't anyway the whole world could be like this.

I suppose I could check, I have been given full access to a computer and from the few times I was allowed to watch one of the workers, I know you can access a lot of information through the internet. Who knows, maybe I can find out what happened at the Abbey. I could even look into this Kai Hiwatari and find out what I can about him, know your enemy as they say. He could really be genuine I suppose, or it could all be a façade, easy money, it won't hurt to see what I can find either way. Something tells me that I'm going to be spending a long time sat at that computer, there is just too much information I need to learn; thankfully the Abbey trained me well, so it shouldn't be difficult to endure.

Well, that wasn't what I expected, except for the world being corrupt that is. Seems this shrink is genuine, either that or he's an exceptional fraud, everyone trusts and adores him, despite his young age. He takes an interest in everything and is conscientious; he's never forceful and always understanding. Hard to believe, but it's even harder to believe that he could be faking everything. I expect that he's being doing some homework on the Abbey and myself too; I wonder what he thinks to it? Is it really that terrible? I mean it's no worse than military training, right? People are strange, especially the ones here.

The reports concerning the Abbey are no better; some of the things they say are ludicrous. Maybe Boris shouldn't have been doing what he did, but it really wasn't that bad. I didn't realise the consequences of my actions or I wouldn't have done it. Everyone has been sent away; some back home, others to foster homes, others to orphanages and those responsible are being charged with numerous counts of wrongdoings, all because of me. It's hard to accept, I really didn't mean for this to happen, I just wanted to know…

I'm angry with myself and no doubt they are all angry with me too. I'm not afraid, I've done wrong and my judgement is in their hands, that's the way it should be. I don't think even Boris realised just how far this would go however. Regardless, I shall have to deal with this situation as best I can and continue my training; thankfully Boris gave me a good idea of what he intended for me, so I should be able to stay close to what he wanted, even without him being here. Maybe that will help them to understand that I didn't want this to happen, I just let my curiosity get the better of me, and I'm sorry for that.

I don't expect them to understand because they won't care; only the facts matter, and the facts are that I betrayed them, even if it was unintentional. I will accept my punishment for that, however it may come. I'm not afraid, fear is weakness and I am not weak. I will not fail, I will not fall, I will not become weak, I am the Abbey's best and I will make sure it stays that way.

No, I shouldn't be thinking like this still, should I? The Abbey has fallen, Boris will be sent to prison, that life is over. Shouldn't I try to live this way now? These people have gone out of their way to help me, wouldn't it be disrespectful to ignore that? I'm not sure, I keep arguing with myself, which confuses the issue even more, I think I shall just have to take this slowly, one day at a time.

I would like to believe that everything will work out and that the Abbey will be okay, though it's unlikely. Really, I don't suppose I should care; I've failed them completely, so I could never return to the Abbey, even if it was re-established. I can't believe that I made such a stupid mistake, I should have known better.

I think my best course of action would be to continue training and take everything else as it comes, that way at least, I will still remain in good physical condition and be able to defend myself should I need to. It will also stop me from trying to make too many decisions now, when I'm clearly in no position t be doing so. The only real thing I may have to worry about is the psychiatrist, but I will no doubt find that out soon enough. So long as I don't let my guard down, everything will be fine.

* * *

Well, there's the second chapter. A little short again I know, but the first two are more for introducing the two boys and the way they think then anything else. Next chapter should be longer (and easier to write) because we'll have nice conversation rather than just 'diary entries'.

Anyway, thanks for the reviews from the last chapter and I'm looking forward to know what people think of poor Tala. Let me know (hint, hint, please review). Ta!


	3. First Session

Anxious anticipation reigned in the small office of the talented bluenette, his new patient, the redheaded Russian, would be arriving shortly and Kai could not help but feel that he was sorely unprepared for the encounter. The boy was an enigma from a completely unknown way of life and everyone was depending on the young psychotherapist to help the redhead, something that was perhaps beyond his capabilities.

Kai sighed and turned his attention to the layout of his office, noting the numerous certificates adorning the walls, proof of his capabilities despite his current doubts in them. Books on psychology, sociology and other behaviour-linked books lined the few bookshelves on the far wall, in front of that was the 'couch' for his patients, plain black leather for as little hassle as possible. The left wall held a table with a plant and a few magazines, filing cabinets and a water dispenser; the right wall bore a large bay window with a view of the nearby woodland so was relatively untouched. Then the wall he was nearest to, the door and his certificates were the prominent features, along with his desk which was relatively impersonal, a computer, a telephone, stationary, paper, a tape recorder and a timer being the only things on show, no pictures or interests could be seen anywhere, just the way he liked it.

Glancing at the computer for the time, Kai realised his peace would be over any minute and quickly sat up properly, making sure everything was tidy. Even if his attire wasn't exactly smart, Kai was a stickler for neatness, something his mother had ingrained in him, despite his attempts to ignore the issue. His mother had complained about his choice of clothing, not that he could see anything wrong with cargo trousers or vests, but he had managed to satiate her, explaining that his casual attire helped his patients feel more relaxed in an otherwise 'sterile' environment.

A few moments later a knock at the door preceded the entrance of his secretary, followed by the stoic Russian he had been expecting. Kai thanked the young woman who kept everything together for him and motioned for his patient to take a 'seat'.

"Hello again. Before we start, what would you prefer me to call you?" Kai started, watching the response carefully.

"Tala is fine, and what am I to refer to you as?" The reply was, unhelpfully, without any emotion or body language.

"I'm Kai, there's no need for any formalities; I'm here for you to talk to and to help you wherever and however I can."

Tala snorted disdainfully, but cut Kai short before he could question the act. "This place is unreal, all of you are just too…"

"Nice? This is only a small place so it's a very close-knit community. I'll grant that compared to most of the world that it's, unusual, but that isn't a bad thing."

Tala looked contemplative, then sighed and closed his eyes. "I really don't understand any of this. The interference, taking me in, this, what do any of you get from it?"

"Good karma for the most part, but I do actually get paid for this, so I don't think I count. I don't mean to pry Tala, but did you not want this to happen? They beat you, right? So why do you sound like you miss it?"

Tala opened his eyes, looking at Kai in mild surprise before gaining control of himself. "Home is home, the only reason I got hurt is because I was stupid. Why is life at the Abbey so bad to all of you?"

It was Kai's turn to be surprised, unsure of how to answer, he decided to study the Russian, hoping it would help him understand a little better. Tala seemed to be an extrovert from his clothing, bright and tight, though neither was a bad thing. Tala was taller than him and well proportioned, nothing looked out of place, even his wild red hair suiting him perfectly. His body looked to be well trained but without having excessive muscles, which Kai didn't think would look right on the boy. Excluding the injuries he had received, which Tala claimed responsibility for; he seemed to be in very good shape, mind and body. The only thing that made him need to be here was him being unsure of recent events and his confusion over what was right and wrong, otherwise he seemed very calm and strong-willed.

"The way you were raised goes against human rights, it isn't how children should be brought up. They were training you to be soldiers for an unworthy cause." Kai replied eventually.

Tala looked at him confusedly. "Unworthy cause?"

"Do you think world domination is a good cause?"

Tala shrugged. "That depends on the motivation behind it, doesn't it?"

"Yes and his is wrong, it isn't for anyone's benefit but his own."

"But you don't know Boris, so you can't say that for certain. The fact of the matter is that you don't know, you're going on the assumptions of others."

Kai paused, unable to find a flaw in Tala's logic and was once again surprised how easily he had been 'put in his place'. Tala certainly was a challenge, just not in the way he had expected. Kai snapped out of his reverie to find that Tala had once again closed his eyes. Kai cursed silently, knowing he had lost Tala's interest and quickly thought of a response.

"Yes, you're right, I am, so why don't you tell me about him and the Abbey so I understand better?"

"No."

Tala's simple but firm answer left no room for debate and effectively put Kai back to square one. Sighing, Kai went and sat down, trying to think of a new approach. He had been given a chance and he had blown it, if the Russian had no interest or respect for him, then he had already failed, there would be no more talking.

"Giving up?" Tala asked quietly, a hint of disappointment in his tone.

"No, just re-evaluating the situation."

"Why don't I help you? You're being too direct; the Abbey is nothing to do with you or any other outsider. You're trying too hard to satiate your own curiosity without giving me anything. I'm not interested in that, I'm interested in what happens now."

Kai nodded, realising how spot-on Tala's words were. He had been surprised by the redhead's openness and had tried to take advantage of that, he had wanted to understand too much and had failed to account for Tala's needs because of that.

"You're right, I got carried away, sorry. Maybe you should be the psychiatrist instead, you seem to be better at it."

Tala smiled slightly, once again surprising the bluenette. "No, you're much more qualified then I am and you're doing fine. We're done for today, but you do have my attention Kai, so I look forward to next time. I do hope you don't prove to be a disappointment."

A knock at the door sounded and Tala stood up, heading towards it. Before opening the door to leave Tala paused, turning to study Kai before smirking and exiting the room, giving Kai no time to question him. Kai shook his head smiling, things had gone better than he had expected; Tala was by no means a 'normal' patient and he decided that Tala really didn't need a psychiatrist, just someone to take the time to help him readjust. Certainly, despite what he had read on the Abbey, Tala didn't seem to be too worse for wear, in fact he was probably in a better mental state than the average person was. Though that didn't mean that Kai understood him, least of all his final act before leaving. Tala seemed to know how to get the reactions he wanted and Kai couldn't help but wonder if the enigmatic Russian was playing him.

Kai shook his head, dismissing the thought, while it was true Tala was the one calling the shots, that wasn't exactly unusual, people only said what they wanted to, you couldn't make a person trust you. There was no reason for Tala to be playing the situation; he was just protecting himself, and that was all there was to it. Satiated with that theory, Kai started to pack up, work was over, it was time to have some fun.

* * *

The nightclub was surprisingly busy for the day and time it was, but the bluenette was undeterred, he had come out for a good time and was intent on having it, the more the merrier as the saying goes. Kai smiled upon seeing the antics of some of his drunken friends but ignored them and headed to the bar. Kai ordered a drink and then looked around the small, heaving nightclub for other familiar faces and was highly surprised to see the Russian redhead there, watching him no less. Kai frowned slightly, he had certainly not expected to see Tala in such a public place, but more than that, he was unnerved with the way Tala was looking at him. Something flashed dangerously in his eyes and all the other emotions present were completely unknown to him, not something Kai enjoyed at all, which is why he had chosen his profession, so that he could understand everyone, Tala clearly wasn't going to allow that however. Sighing, Kai resigned himself to his fate and took up Tala's invitation to speak to him further, despite the redhead's confusing behaviour.

"Good evening Tala, I'll admit, I'm surprised to see you here." Kai said coolly.

Tala grinned in an almost feral manner, making Kai even more uneasy. "Nice to see you too Kai. I'm free to go where I choose am I not? What can I say, I was curious, besides, it was an invite, though I'd rather avoid the drunken rabble."

Kai raised an eyebrow, surprised that Tala had 'made friends' so quickly, though after further thought decided it wasn't really surprising, he wouldn't deny that Tala was exceptionally good-looking, and many people were simply that shallow.

"Was there something you wanted, or were you just watching me for the hell of it?"

Tala laughed slightly at Kai's blunt question. Shrugging slightly, he paused before replying. "I guess I find you the only person here worth paying attention to."

"I suppose I should be flattered."

"Should be…but not at all. Do I frighten you, Mr Hiwatari?"

"No, I wouldn't go that far, but certainly some of your behaviour is a little…"

Tala smirked as Kai trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence. It was quite clear to both of them that Tala was getting under Kai's skin. Despite his training, Tala was simply unique, classifying or understanding him was less that simple, especially when Tala seemed to have knowledge of psychoanalysis and therapy methods.

"Maybe I should explain a little further to you, hm?"

Kai tilted his head inquisitively, while Tala kept the smirk on his face, he leaned forward slightly over the table and Kai followed suit, assuming that what Tala had to say was meant to be private.

* * *

Well, there we go, next chapter finally done. Sorry for the wait, but this fic doesn't want to play nice…

Anyway, I'm considering a little shounen-ai in the next chapter, so let me know whether you want it or not. It won't be much though, not yet anyway, they don't know each other enough yet, right?

Thanks for the reviews so far and please review this chapter, it's always nice to know what people think, especially since this one is being so difficult. Uh, I'll shut up and go away now…Thanks! Ja!


	4. Something More?

Tala smirked wickedly before pressing his lips against Kai's. The bluenette's eyes merely widened, too surprised to do anything else. Tala moved back slightly, deciding against taking advantage of the stunned boy.

"As I said Kai, you have my attention." The sentence was practically a whisper, but Tala knew that Kai heard him, despite their noisy surroundings.

Tala laughed slightly, he could tell that Kai was having a lot of difficulty in comprehending and accepting what was going on. He really did look like the proverbial goldfish. The redhead decided the look didn't suit the usually intelligent boy and decided to kiss him again, a little more forcefully. Kai's eyes slowly shut and he almost responded; however his senses kicked in first, as Tala had expected and the bluenette pushed him away.

"What are you…?" Kai started, but was silenced by Tala placing his index finger over Kai's lips.

"Relax a little Hiwatari. You have your way of doing things and I have mine. You've told me exactly what I wanted to know, so I'll behave myself now. I wouldn't have done anything anyway."

"What do you mean, I told you what you wanted to know?"

Tala smirked, not surprised that Kai had so easily fallen back into his role of psychiatrist, rather than dealing with him on a normal basis, and of course, it was much easier to hide behind his work, rather than having to try and deal with Tala's actions.

"I'll leave you to figure that out for yourself. See you around Kai."

Tala stood up, ignoring Kai's protests. It was clear to him that Kai felt the need to understand everything, even if that wasn't possible. The boy had clearly taken up the education he had to satiate his own needs, rather than wanting to help people, though that was better than most, who were only interested in the money it brought in.

Tala left the busy nightclub and quickly put some distance between it and him, not wanting Kai to be able to follow him. While it was true he enjoyed Kai's company, though he wasn't sure why, he was attracted to him, which was unusual for him. Tala wanted Kai to have to think abut it himself. If Tala gave him al the answers then Kai wouldn't have to consider his position in it, while if he had to think about himself, he would have to realise that the attraction was mutual.

Tala smiled softly as it began to snow, it reminded him of Moscow, not that sentimentality was something he was meant to express, though he had most often been allowed to do things others hadn't, he had always been favourite. Tala smiled more brightly as the snowfall became heavier and suppressed a laugh at the attics of other people as he entered the park, the people in this place clearly weren't used to this kind of weather, but he was and he loved it.

Tala sat alone by the park lake, eyes closed as he enjoyed the snow. No doubt his new guardians would worry over it, but they didn't understand that this was normal for Russia, though this was very warm in comparison. He missed the Abbey and his training; he missed Moscow and the 'treats' he got that allowed him a nightlife the others were forbidden from. Boris had always understood Tala's need to learn and experience new things and had allowed him to sate that need, knowing it would do him no harm. Tala's loyalty was with Boris and the Abbey first and foremost, no matter what he saw.

Of course, this new lifestyle was nice enough, and that made things a little more difficult, though really, he supposed it didn't matter, the likelihood of the Abbey ever being opened was very slim and even if it were, it was unlikely that they would take him back, and certainly not under the same conditions as before. His head was trying to convince him to forget the Abbey's way of doing things and just get on with his new life, but another part of him told him not to, which probably his training.

Suddenly feeling eyes on him, Tala's own eyes snapped open and took in the scenery around him, looking for the person responsible. The dark snowstorm made it difficult to make anything out, though his senses could at least make out the general direction the person was in. While he didn't feel as though he was in any immediate danger, the unknown presence made him feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. It also left him feeling confused because something about it felt familiar, but there wasn't anyone he knew outside of Russia.

He was about to try and make contact when he heard someone behind him, quickly realising the presence was Kai. The person who had been watching him left the scene upon Kai's arrival, leaving the two boys alone, much to Tala's disappointment.

"You catch cold." Kai said softly, trying to break the ice.

"No, it's impossible to catch a cold from the weather and it isn't nearly cold enough for me to catch a chill either." Tala replied shortly.

"I suppose so… Tala, I really don't understand."

"You don't need to, it doesn't matter."

Kai knelt in front of Tala looking almost angry. "Yes it does! Maybe kissing someone doesn't mean anything in Russia but it does here! Especially when the person you kiss is you therapist."

Tala frowned slightly, he hadn't expected this reaction, Kai seemed the type of person to handle things better than this, avoiding unnecessary confrontations. Tala sighed, wondering if he had wrongly judged him.

"Kai…does it really matter so much to you? What do you want me to say?"

"I want the truth Tala! What did you mean?"

"You're attracted to me, that's all I wanted to know."

Kai's faced registered surprise, though only briefly, but it seemed to be enough to regain his control. "Why?"

"Why do you think? You're the psychiatrist, this should be easy." Tala sighed again. "I've had enough of this tonight, we can discuss this as much as you like at our next meeting. Until then, goodbye Mr Hiwatari."

Tala walked away, glad that Kai had the sense to leave him alone this time. The snowfall had thinned considerably, but there was still falling steadily, and settling, much to Tala's delight. The fact that it was cold and late meant the streets were practically deserted, providing a peaceful atmosphere, for which he was grateful, he needed time to think.

The night's events were not quite what he had expected, Kai had been a lot more difficult to deal with than he had expected, not that he'd given much thought to what he was doing, he hadn't expected him to be there after all. Then there were all the unusual events with his supposed new 'friends', which he certainly wasn't used to and wasn't really comfortable with. Plus the event in the park was unsettling, the fact that the presence was familiar was unusual, he shouldn't know anyone.

There was little chance it could be anyone from the Abbey, though the idea couldn't be completely dismissed, though if it were, why not just get whatever it was they wanted over and done with? The Abbey was never known for playing around and he hadn't been away from them for long, so surely they wouldn't think he was compromised already? Boris knew he had meant no harm, which was why things had gone back to normal, until the authority's investigation was done and they had the evidence to act. Tala sighed again, he had reached his new 'home' far too quickly and had worked nothing out, he hadn't expected to, but things would have been easier if he had.

Resigning himself to his fate, he sighed and stepped into the house, knowing they were waiting and were worried. He wasn't really interested in receiving a lecture just because they were worried over nothing, but they were taking care of him so he would have to put up with it regardless.

"Tala! Where have you been? Are you okay? It's like a blizzard out there!" As expected Mrs Ziranai immediately barraged him with worried questions.

"Relax, I'm fine, I'm from Russia, remember?" Tala replied softly, trying to hide his slight irritation.

"Still, you're not dressed very warmly Tala, why don't you go and get a bath or shower and change your clothes?" Mr Ziranai gave him a chance to escape without further questioning.

Tala smiled and nodded, assuring them he would follow their advice and get some rest as well, before taking his leave from the two. Reaching his room he let himself in, locking the door behind him, no more intrusions would be welcomed regardless the cause. Rather than doing as he had been told, Tala walked to the window and sat on the ledge, glad to see that the snow was still falling. The white flakes were calming to watch, providing a sense of peace he had not felt since the problems at the Abbey had begun.

That thought once again brought a wave of pain and guilt, but also the concern and confusion left by the unidentified visitor at the park. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure the person had been from the Abbey, though he was still unsure who it could have been. The fact that the person had waited so long and had left without saying anything was unnerving; it wasn't the normal way the Abbey did things. Tala sighed again, all he was doing was going in circles, he was no closer to understanding any of his actions with Kai, nor the events in the park before Kai had arrived.

Tala had found himself thinking about Kai a lot since their earlier meeting, he knew there was something there, but that was what confused him, he had never had such emotions and wasn't ever supposed to. There was no denying that he was attractive, but that thought should have been a passing observation, one that didn't mean anything, that had always been the way, but not this time. That's what made everything so frustrating, he couldn't even really answer Kai's question, because he didn't know himself, not what he meant, not why he did it.

The bluenette was a constant distraction, one that caused unknown emotions and impulses to act, and that lack of control was not something he was too pleased about. Perhaps his interaction with 'normal' life had ruined him already; maybe there really was a very good reason that they weren't allowed to go outside with everyone else, because becoming contaminated by them was all too easy. It was hard to believe that in only a few weeks his training was already starting to fade, he was falling into a life he had never known and didn't really want. Unlike the rest of the world, Tala had no problem with the Abbey's way of doing things, it had suited him perfectly, the 'real' world wasn't really all that good, it was mainly just chaos.

Leaving the window, he drew the curtains and sat on the bed, randomly flicking through TV channels, hoping for a distraction from his thoughts that he knew would not come. He had never been able to ignore problems, he had always had to sort through them and figure out how to resolve them. The problem was, that these ones went beyond him, one went into a realm he simply didn't comprehend and the other left him with no clues to work with, let alone anything else.

Without more knowledge he would be unable to work out the latter and he would be unable to gain it unless the person returned. The former should never have existed in the first place and Tala wanted nothing more than for it not to exist, but wishful thinking got one nowhere. Whether he liked it or not, it seemed he was attracted to Kai and some part of his subconscious seemed quite intent on taking things further, despite his protests.

His life at the Abbey was over and he knew that, but that didn't mean he wanted to let go, after all, that world was all he had known, he had nothing else. Despite that, his training seemed to be abandoning him and he seemed to be slipping into the realms of those outside the Abbey. He didn't want to become like those people, Boris had shown them that those people were destructive and chaotic, not worthy of what they had. To be like them meant that he would be better off dead, so why did he seem to be doing that anyway? The facts did nothing but frustrate him and the lack of answers and solutions made things worse.

Despite knowing that sleep was unlikely, he got himself showered and ready for bed, before settling down. The TV still remained on, though he paid it little heed, that had never been deemed a good thing either, junk and brainwashing was all the media was, everything edited, opinionated and bias. Anything that didn't follow the ideas of those in charge was made out to be 'evil', it was all a farce, but he knew that they didn't understand that, to them, television was a normal part of their life, so they assumed it was to everyone. That which society deemed to be normal was adhered to and everything else was wrong or eccentric, depending. Sighing once again, Tala turned the TV off, deciding to at least try to get some sleep, no matter how unlikely.

* * *

Well, there we have it at last. I really don't seemed to be able to write unless it's some obnoxious time in the morning…

Um, anyway…as I said, not much shounen-ai just yet, though more will probably come soon, I don't think this fic is going to be all that long. Let me know what you thought of this chapter, okay? Lots of nice reviews give me motivation… (Lol, sad that it's true huh? I'm a review junkie lmao.)

Right, I'll shut up now I think. Ta everyone, later!


	5. Confusion

I really don't understand what happened yesterday and despite his calm and indifferent exterior, I don't think Tala does either. He had to think too hard about how to answer, and then seemed surprised by the answer he gave. I don't think feelings such as love or lust have ever even been considered by him, so for him to act so impulsively, it must have been instinct, though his instinct seems to be better trained than his normal self. He gave nothing away and seemed to be playing everything, yet I don't think he meant to do it, the way he was at the park, I truly believe that his actions had frightened him, the question is, why?

I suppose I should be more concerned about how to handle him in the next session, I don't know what I should do or say to him. Would it be best to try and talk to him or to just avoid the subject completely? I really don't know what to do. The worst part was that I enjoyed it and I would be willing to take things further, considering my position, it's completely unacceptable, psychiatrists and their patients do not enter into relationships, ever. He is exceptionally attractive though and he's smart and interesting, he's not like anyone else I've ever met, plus that kiss, the second and very much more real one, was amazing, I have never felt anything like that before.

I'm going around in circles here, want but can't touch, but want…this is so frustrating. I have to decide what I'm going to do about this. Really, in terms of him being my patient, I don't want to refer him to someone else because I think it would be a bad move, they wouldn't handle him right, Tala isn't like most people, he does know how these therapies work, so to him it probably comes across as patronising.

Then there is also the fact that I want to understand him. If I were to refer him elsewhere, I wouldn't have the opportunity to talk to him. The way Tala was raised is completely unknown to me and I want to understand how that affected him. I haven't seen enough in just one session and it will no doubt take far longer to understand him. Though really I'm just being selfish, my main aim isn't in helping him, it's satiating my own curiosity, which is a mistake I've already made with him once.

Then there is the final part, well, parts, first is that I don't really believe that he needs psychiatric help at all, especially after having seen him at the nightclub, because he's already making friends and participating in normal social activities. Second is the fact that I'm absolutely undeniably attracted to him. I have to admit that I had been thinking of such things before he kissed me, but everything became much more real after that, hell, I nearly kissed him back!

While I really want to get closer to him, is it really such a good idea to get carried away by lust? Nothing good could come from that, but then, is it lust? Feelings like that…I'm not so sure it's that simple, but what's the other option? I can hardly claim to love him, I've only just met him, so what then?

All I can really say is that there is an attraction there and it's obviously mutual, yet at the same time, it frightens both of us because it shouldn't be there, or at least, that's how we both feel about it. Perhaps it would simply be best to ignore this issue and carry on in a normal, professional manner? Unless Tala brings it up of course, then it's on his terms and he has to lay the rules down himself, rather than me having to try without knowing where I stand. After all, he already knows that I'm attracted to him, he said so himself. I'm so confused; I don't know what to do. Which option is the right one to make? Since when do I doubt myself so much? Right, I am going to leave the ball in Tala's court, decision made so stop thinking about it. Though really, I don't think it's going to happen, I am still going to stew over this until it's resolved knowing me.

Why does he have to be so attractive and flaunt it? Clothing really doesn't need to be that tight, it's too enticing. I'm not meant to be thinking like this! I am not like everyone else! But neither is Tala, he's exceptional, he really stands out from everyone else, not because of his looks, but because there is something special about him. He's one of these people who 'shine', though apparently so am I. I really don't know what is going on in my head anymore, all because of one kiss. I'm normally in control, what is it about Tala that takes that away from me?

I still can't figure out why he seemed so distracted at the park, did I interrupt something? I don't see that I could have done, unless he was waiting for someone? No, he seemed to be looking around, maybe someone was there, I mean, it isn't unconceivable that the police or someone else could be keeping an eye on him. Then again, he wasn't all that concerned, could he have known the person? I suppose considering that no one from Russia is meant to know where he is, it would be slightly odd if the person watching him was familiar to him. Though of course, this is all speculation, I really have no idea at all. Maybe I should ask him about it in our next meeting?

I really need to stop thinking about him; it isn't doing me any good at all. I don't have any of the answers I want and I can't make them magically appear, though that would certainly be nice. It's too late to do anything now, but I can't sleep either, I need to find some way to stop myself from thinking. I can't afford to stay up too late or I wont be able to concentrate properly tomorrow.

Speaking of which, I don't even know what clients I have tomorrow, I can't believe I forgot to check before I left. Question is, do I go and check now, or just go in early tomorrow morning? I don't think I'll be able to sleep, so that could be a way of combating it, but then, I do have a habit of getting too involved in theories and spending more time working then I should, which means I'll be pretty much a zombie. Then again, if I have to get up early in the morning and haven't been able to sleep, I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm doing anyway. Why do I just seem to be going around in circles tonight?

I really should be sleeping already, it's just getting later and later, my head just seems to be incapable of switching off tonight, is this all really just because of one kiss? It's hard to believe that one simple thing could cause so many problems. I really want to talk to him about this, no; I don't think I want to talk at all. I can't believe that I'm acting like an OTT hormonal kid. This really isn't me…

I'm beginning to think that Tala was definitely too much for me to handle. He elicits too many emotions in me, too many bad traits, most of which I never even realised I had. His intelligence is far higher than I thought it would be, he puts me to shame, but then, is that because I find him so interesting and distracting, rather than my own lack of intellect and skill? I think it is, at least mainly, I really don't seem to be able to concentrate properly around him, but then, he is absolutely gorgeous.

Well, sleeping seems to be a lost cause, so I suppose I might as well go to work now, I can always get some sleep there if need be. I mean anything has to be better than sitting here and driving myself insane right? Hard to believe this is all because of one stunning Russian redhead, who happens to have a taste for well-fitting clothing and doesn't look like a trap doing it, or even gay for that matter, but after what happened at the club he has to be at least bi-sexual. I was not meant to be thinking about Tala anymore! I swear he's addictive… Anyway, no more of this tonight, time to go to work. I get the feeling tomorrow is going to be a bad day, no, I keep saying tomorrow, but it's actually technically today…Kai, just shut up already.

-

As Kai arrived at his office, he was surprised to find a person stood outside, upon closer inspection, he realised it was Tala, who looked equally surprised by his presence. Kai hesitated slightly before slowing his approach to the building.

"A little early for you to be going to work isn't it?" Tala asked, clearly not really caring for the answer.

Kai shrugged a little and stopped walking, only a few feet from the redhead. "I forgot to look at the schedules and since I couldn't sleep, I figured that I might as well check now."

Tala smiled slightly before turning his attention to their surroundings instead. "Guess we both had that problem. All my fault too huh? To be honest, I don't know why I acted like that, anyway, sorry."

"I'm going in, you can too if you like, it's a little cold out here."

Not waiting for Tala's reply, Kai unlocked the door and walked inside, bypassing the reception and heading straight for his own office. He hadn't expected Tala to be there and he certainly hadn't expected his admission. That was what made him uncomfortable though, because he no longer knew where he stood with the Russian and that was not a feeling he liked.

"Kai…are you angry?"

The bluenette looked round, surprised by the question. "No, I'm not angry. A little confused and a little unsure, but certainly not angry."

"About what I did earlier…will you have to get rid of me now?"

"No. It is recommended that I do, but I don't have to."

Tala nodded, fiddling with his jacket nervously. Kai walked over to him and stopped him, turning his attention back to Kai. Tala was hesitant, almost afraid, not a trait he had seen in him before, and not one he had expected to see.

"Do you like me Kai?" Tala asked, his voice only a whisper.

"I thought you had that answer?" Kai retorted, though careful to keep his tone light.

Tala shook his head. "No. I know that you're physically attracted to me, it isn't the same thing."

Kai looked at him quizzically, not because of the reply itself, but the way in which it was said. He sounded very young and child-like, but was again, there was fear in his tone. Kai was sure that he fear was not connected to his answer however, but something else, though what that something was he couldn't say.

"We shouldn't be having this discussion." Kai replied finally.

Tala frowned slightly, clearly not happy with Kai's response. "Kai, just answer me."

"I don't know you well enough to be able to answer you Tala. Certainly there's an attraction there, as you said, but I don't know about anything else. Tala, what's wrong?"

Tala moved forward, making Kai back into the wall. "Nothing. What, I can't ask you things, only tell you things?"

"You know that isn't what I meant Tala." Kai replied, trying to hide his unease of being trapped.

Tala smirked, moving even closer to Kai. "Yes, I do know what you meant, but that doesn't mean I'm going to answer you. Besides, there are much more interesting things to do than talk."

Tala pinned Kai's arms to the wall and closed the gap between them completely. Kai didn't fight him, but didn't respond either; he was too busy thinking to really care. Tala's mood seemed to have jumped again, it was almost like he was schizophrenic, but he didn't hold any other symptoms of that disorder. Up until the evening, Tala had seemed to be perfectly normal, yet since their meeting at the nightclub, Tala's behaviour had been very unusual.

Tala pulled away slightly, though he was still close enough for Kai to feel his breath on his face. "I confuse you, don't I? I'm disappointed really, I expected you to handle things a little better."

Kai looked at Tala gone-out, finally understanding what he meant. "I'm not used to dealing with people such as yourself Tala, I am relatively new to this. Besides which, here, people don't play people around, nor do they have the knowledge and ability to do so to your high level."

Tala frowned slightly. "I'm not trying to cause harm Kai, you don't have to be so harsh. I'm just trying to understand you, that's all. Though I really didn't mean to kiss you at the nightclub…"

"This is no good Tala, not at all. Maybe I should refer you to someone with more experience, and whom you're not attracted to…"

"I don't need counselling Kai and you know it. I'm not traumatised, I wasn't treated badly and I'm learning the way things are done here. It isn't as though I never had any dealings outside the Abbey, unlike everyone else. Can't you just stop this psycho-babble and deal with this normally?"

Kai sighed, stepping away from Tala and walking into his office, knowing that Tala would follow. He was confused and too caught up in things to look at the situation from an open perspective. "I guess we're both pretty good at hiding behind our training. It's all well and good complaining to me, but you're just as bad."

"Then why don't we start fresh? Get to know each other and see how things go? I really do like you Kai and that isn't normal for me."

"Tala, I…"

Kai's sentence was cut short, as there was a large crash at the front of the building. Looking at Tala he was surprised to find that he wasn't shocked at all, though there was a slight haze of fear, the same he had seen at the park and only a few minutes ago. Whatever was happening, Kai assumed it would not be good for either of them.

* * *

Finished at last and not exactly what I'd expected either. I wonder what my head has planned for them? Hopefully it won't be too bad…

The ficisn't rushed so much, I'm just having a little trouble with it, but hopefully it's okay despite that. Look forward to knowing what everyone thinks, considering the rather unexpected turn it's taking.

Hope you all enjoyed! Later!


	6. In Too Deep?

Kai headed towards the reception area without really thinking about it, while Tala lagged slightly behind, not really wanting to go, but not wanting to leave Kai alone either. He got the feeling that this was tied to him, which meant that Kai could be in very real danger. Though he wasn't really sure what to expect, the fact that the arrival had been so noisy probably meant it was not going to be a particularly pleasant experience.

Stepping into the room, the first thing Tala noticed was a car 'parked' through the window, all black, no number plate or discernable features, and while the glass was tinted, it was still clear that the driver was still sat inside. The second thing he noticed was the person stood slightly away from the vehicle, presumably a man from the proportions and frame. The man in question was dressed completely in black biker garb, including a helmet, which was also tinted.

The man moved his arm and it took a second for Tala to register what he was doing, as soon as he had, he moved towards to thick reception desk, pulling Kai along with him. They had only just managed to duck behind it as the semi-automatic began firing. Clearly, they perceived him to be a threat and assumed that Kai knew more than he should; so all he had to do was figure out how to convince them otherwise.

The gun stopped, returning the room to an eerie silence, dust slowly settling. The silence didn't last for long however, as the man began reloading the gun, ready for another attack. Tala looked at the desk, knowing that it wouldn't last much longer. While he didn't want to make it obvious he knew anything, because Kai would jump to conclusions he didn't want him to reach, if he said nothing, they would both die.

"Kvateet! (Enough!)" He half-shouted, trying to sound at least a little frightened for Kai.

"Kak dilya? (How are you?)" The man asked in response.

Tala paused, rather than just answering without thinking. The question wasn't as straightforward as it seemed, but then, that was the entire idea, to speak in normal language while meaning something more. What he was really being asked was if everything was still under control, if he was still following his training.

"Da, khorosho. (Yes, good.)" He replied, hoping the answer would be sufficient.

He wanted them to understand that he had learnt his lesson and had no intention of talking about the Abbey, nor the training he had received, which was still very much intact. Of course, even if it was understood and accepted, there would still be problems, both with Kai and the police.

Tala didn't think that the men had any intention of taking him with them, or they would have approached him in a subtler manner, so he would have to think up a flawless and believable story that didn't implicate the Abbey in any way. He supposed it was his punishment for what had happened, as well as being a test of his own abilities. It seemed Boris still trusted him to some degree at least.

He heard the man start walking and then him getting into the car, shortly followed by said vehicle driving away. That meant he had run out of time, because no doubt Kai would start asking questions and he would certainly want answers. The boy wanted to know everything as it was, but considering his place of work had just been trashed and they had been shot at, he would probably be a little more insistent than usual. Tala sighed quietly; he was not ready for this.

"Tala, what was…?" Kai started, but Tala cut him off, placing a finger over his mouth.

"Just sit down, you're in shock." Tala stated, ignoring Kai's queries.

Hearing sirens, Tala cursed under his breath, someone had obviously heard the noise and called the police. He time to come up with a story had been cut once again. All he could really do was lie and hope that Kai wouldn't argue courtesy of the shock. He gently pulled Kai to his feet, taking him into his office and setting him down on the couch. Hearing the police cars pull-up outside, Tala knelt at the side of the couch and waited for the officers to find them.

It didn't take long for them to arrive, and Tala played the role of the frightened and relieved victim he was supposed to be, spending most of his time talking about Kai and how he should be taken to hospital. The only things he had really said concerning the incident, was that he couldn't give a description and didn't know what they had wanted. Eventually the police relented and called for an ambulance, sending both of them to be checked over. Tala had to hide a smirk; it was surprisingly easy to fool them into believing that he was also suffering from shock.

Kai had given him a few stern looks, not really believing him, not that Tala was surprised by that, after all, he had already made it quite obvious to Kai that he played situations to his advantage while seeming genuine. Kai had thankfully kept him mouth shut and not argued anything, nor brought up the fact that Tala had spoken to the man, who was also Russian. It seemed Kai was finally learning a little about the situation, much to Tala's relief.

The only arguing, or even speaking that Kai had done was when the Police had told him that he would be out of business for a little while, both because of the subsequent investigation, but also the repair work that would need to be done to the premises, including claiming for insurance. Kai had tried to sort something out, but the Police had not been interested, not even allowing him to take his files away with him. Since then, Kai had done little more than sulk, much to Tala's amusement, though he hid it well.

Eventually they were checked over and released, while being advised to rest for a few days, not that Tala was going to listen, nor did he expect that Kai would either. Tala had more pressing matters to worry about, Kai, the Abbey, the investigation and his own role within everything.

"They were tied to the Abbey, right? What did you say to them?" Kai asked suddenly, snapping Tala from his thoughts.

"Kai…" Tala started, but was silenced.

"I know you won't talk about that Tala, I just want to know that everything is okay."

Tala stopped walking and took hold of Kai's wrist, pulling him into an embrace. Placing a chaste kiss on Kai's lips before answering him. "Yes, everything is fine, you don't need to worry. I am sorry for what happened tonight though; you shouldn't have had to go through that.

"I'm lucky you were there, I would have died if…"

"Maybe, but that only happened because of me. Anyway, this doesn't matter right now, just get some rest Kai, you need it.

Kai nodded but then hesitated, Tala was about to ask what was wrong when Kai kissed him. It was very quick, and Kai flushed before quickly leaving, once again, Tala finding Kai's behaviour amusing, and surprising. Smiling softly, Tala turned and started to make his way back to his temporary accommodation, hoping that the Ziranai's hadn't noticed his absence.

While the latest events had proven to be both insightful and problematic, he was still no closer to finding out the identity of the person from the park. His instincts told him that the person had nothing to do with what happened at Kai's work, and that was obviously put in place by Boris, so whom the familiar person had been was still a mystery, and a concern. If someone from the Abbey was acting without Boris' authorisation, it could be potentially very bad, if they blamed him for what happened and wanted to do something about it, the real depth of the Abbey's secrets could be revealed. Also Tala's well-being, and the well-being of everyone associated with him could potentially be in danger.

Without knowing where to look, or what the situation was, it made it difficult to act, or even know how to. He had been taught that the Abbey was to always come first, so doing anything to jeopardise that was unacceptable but equally, doing nothing could be just as harmful. It was a difficult situation, but one he was determined to do his best with, after all, Tala wasn't known for failure, he was the Abbey's best and he would prove it if and when required.

-

I know it's short, sorry, but it just kind of came to a natural close, I'd only ruin the chapter if I tried to make it longer. (I've certainly tried to a few times, hence the delay.)

As for the reviews for the last chapter, I'm glad it was confusing, that means I actually wrote it well. Portraying feeling can be really difficult, so I'm glad you were all feeling how they were!

Anyway, hope you enjoyed and I look forward to knowing what everyone thinks. Later!


	7. Stay or Run?

I can't believe all that happened. I don't even know how long I'm going to be out of work for! It really is the worst… I didn't even really question Tala, I can't believe that I let him off so lightly, he was lying to the Police and I said nothing! Granted I was in a state of shock, I can't say that I've ever even seen a gun before, let alone had someone shoot at me. I wonder what it was about? Too bad I don't understand Russian, though knowing Tala it wasn't an open conversation anyway.

It was strange, he was definitely worried when he heard the noise, and thinking back, he was probably pretty reluctant to see what it was, then he didn't really seem to think at all when he pulled me to safety and was pretty emotionless when he was speaking to the man. Then after they left he took control immediately, not telling me anything, before lying to the Police when they arrived, well, maybe it wasn't lying so much as omitting facts, or is that the same thing really?

Question now, is what to do? To be completely honest, I'm afraid to see him again, both because he's pushing too much for something we shouldn't be doing, and I want to let him, but also because of last night, because I'm afraid that something might happen again. I also want to see him, a lot more, once again, because I want us to get closer, but also because I'm afraid he's going to get hurt. It makes it rather difficult when you want to do something and not want to do something for the same reason.

I wonder how much I've really fallen for him? He is certainly the most attractive person I have ever met, and the most interesting. There are a lot of reasons, but I can't help but think that this seems more like one of those stupid films, and I seem to have the role of the doting woman…

I think it would be best for me to get away from everything while everything is being sorted out, it will help to give me some perspective on things. I need to figure out what it is I want and from there I can sort out how and when to implement it. If I stay in the situation as it is, I'll just become constrained and lose my objectiveness. The only things I need to decide are where I want to go and whether or not I want to tell Tala.

I suppose I ought to tell him something, in case I do decide that I want to take things further with him, even though I shouldn't. For some reason I'm worried about his reaction to it, I don't know why, it seems foolish, and yet…

I suppose I could write a note, let him know I'm leaving town while everything is being repaired, that way I don't have to worry about how he takes it, or about being questioned by him. Of course, I ought to put something in about my rather unexpected act, it would be wrong to just disappear after something like that. I really can't believe that I kissed him.

This is all so confusing, and repetitive too, all I seem to do is think the same things over and over without getting anywhere, it's very frustrating. In some ways, I wish that I'd never met him, that way I wouldn't be having all of these problems, either that or that I could be assertive enough to decide what it is I want. Wouldn't that be a novelty?

Right, enough is enough, no more of this nonsense and no more idiocy. I'm a psychotherapist, how can I possible help others if I can't even help myself? It is absolutely ludicrous for me to act this way, so it has to stop. I will go to see Tala and I will explain that I'm taking a break away while I'm waiting for everything to be completed.

If he asks me about the kiss then I tell him the truth, I don't know why I did it or what, if anything it means, but if he can wait a while, I should be able to figure everything out while I'm away. Really, I think that is all that I can do and it makes things somewhat fairer for Tala, while giving me a chance to see how things go and clear my head of doubts.

Hold on, wouldn't it look strange for me to just turn up there though? After all, he doesn't live alone and I know his foster guardians, so I think it would probably be bad to just turn up to see him. Still, I do need to talk to him right? I can't just leave him without saying anything. No, that didn't come out the way I meant it to. I meant that I couldn't just leave without telling him I'm going. But how can I talk to him without causing problems? Maybe I'll just have to go over there and see what happens? I mean it's perfectly reasonable that they will assume its part of his counselling, right? I guess all I can do is try it and hope that everything goes well.

-

Kai stood hesitantly in front of the Zinrai's house, trying to analyse the situation and how best to handle it. If he were to be honest with himself, then he would know that he was trying to find a way out of the situation, as well as looking for a way to make his feelings for Tala seem acceptable. Either would make him feel more at ease then he currently did, and Kai would certainly welcome the disappearance of the knot in his stomach. Deciding he wasn't as prepared as he thought he was, Kai turned to leave, only to find himself face-to-face with Tala

"Looking for me?" Tala asked mirthfully.

Kai froze briefly, before managing to nod. "I just thought I'd let you know I won't be around for a while, that's all."

Tala pouted playfully before nodding. "Thought you might run away from things while you can't do any work. I am surprised you came to tell me though."

"Well I…" Kai started, but was unable to finish the sentence, which made Tala laugh.

"It's okay Kai, I know. Enjoy yourself for a while, after all, this is all pretty much my fault." Tala replied seriously, despite his laughter.

"Tala, what was that all about? You really confuse me you know?"

"It doesn't matter. Oh and I'm not your client any more, so don't worry about any of that. Just relax, you don't need to stress yourself out."

"You really do confuse me…"

"Good, it makes things more interesting. What fun would it be if you could analyse me? Anyway, I've got to go, so I guess I'll see you when you get back?"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks Tala."

-

I can't believe that was so easy. I really expected Tala to make things difficult. He's frustrating, because I can't figure him out, but at the same time, that's why he interests me so much. Still, is that reason enough for me to care so much?

I don't have to worry about the situation with my job any more, but I'm still trying to make excuses not to be with him, why is that? Is it just because it means stepping out of my security blanket? Feelings for the same sex still aren't exactly accepted or approved, and I suppose I'm afraid of what that means.

I owe Tala more then that though don't I? No, do I really owe him anything? I mean, I don't even know him and all he's done is cause problems for me. There is this attraction though, almost to the point of destitution, but I don't know why.

All of this goes completely against what I'm used, what I know, and if I'm to be completely honest, that scares me. In some ways, I wish that I had never met him, but in others, I don't know what I would do without him. When did I become like this? When did I fall so far? I hate it. I will not allow this to continue, I will regain who I am, no matter what it may cost me to do so. If I stay like this, the only thing I will do is ruin my life.

* * *

A long wait and not an amazing chapter. Sorry bows

I'm really struggling with this story and I don't really have much time or energy to write at the moment.

Please review, I really need the inspiration! Only another chapter or two left now I think, so help me finish it? Onegai? Arigato! Ja ne!


	8. Friend of Foe?

How ridiculous an affair that was, to think someone so highly regarded in his profession of psychology is so very easy to play. I had expected so much more from him, I had expected him to question things, to be more objective and detached, but the ease in which I have him eating out of my hand is disappointing. It's almost sad to believe that people really are as weak and pathetic as Boris has told us. It's more to the pity that Kai didn't offer a better challenge, I can tell that he's intelligent, and he's certainly attractive, but he's too naïve. Though everyone in this place seems to be, so maybe it isn't entirely his fault, he has been sheltered from the real world.

I suppose I'm being a little harsh, I was pretty confused for a while myself, though granted that was because I was trying to allow myself to experience their world, which did require being weak and spontaneous. That did prove problematic with Boris however, it seems that I'm too good at acting for my own good sometimes.

The real question right now is what I do with Kai. Do I continue with this game? I really do like him, despite everything, but I'm not allowed to. If I continue down this path it will cause problems with the Abbey, which I don't want. But equally, should Kai decide he does want a relationship, I don't want to turn him down, considering it's my doing in the first place.

The only compromise would be if Kai were willing to come to the Abbey, but really, I don't know that he would cope all too well; he hasn't ever experienced life like ours, I don't think his body could cope with the stress of it, he's too old. We all started at a very young age to deal with a lot more then Kai has ever known.

I really shouldn't be thinking about this, ties to their world are unacceptable. They are not to be trusted, they are not to be pitied, everything wrong they have brought upon themselves with their pettiness. No, but, it isn't like that here, this place is different from everywhere else. There shouldn't have to be a problem here, this place should be okay. There isn't really anything against our teachings; everyone tries to help each other, they're not backstabbing or demoralising. I suppose that this is for Boris to decide though, after all, I'm pretty naïve myself in a lot of ways, I know very little of this world or it's many sins.

I suppose this time without Kai will benefit me as well, I clearly have things to figure out for myself. Then of course there is always the fact that things will progress with the Abbey quite quickly, so his lack of presence will certainly make things less complicated. Too bad for him, I know he's very curious about the Abbey and our way of doing things, but that is exactly why he would be problematic. People have no right to know the business of others. The work of the Abbey will be well-known soon enough anyway. This world will repent under our guiding hand.

I should have given the situation more thought, while I do often act on anger, I'm not really one to act on impulse, nor lust, but I have on this occasion and now I may be in trouble because of that. I don't understand what this strong attraction to him is, I haven't ever felt like this before, but still… Did I really believe the Abbey was finished? Is that why I acted so foolishly? I know that everything is fine with the Abbey now though, but where does that leave me? Which feeling is stronger I wonder? I'm not sure, nor am I sure which I want to win, which is strange. Never before have I questioned my place with the Abbey, yet since meeting him… I wonder, is it possible that I could love him? It doesn't sound particularly realistic given the time frame, but this incessant need does make me wonder.

This situation really annoys me, considering that I am usually the one in control, of myself and of the situations that concern myself; but with this, I feel beyond helpless and I cannot stand that. I am not one to be unsure of myself; I know what I want, so why, what makes this situation so different from everything else? What makes Kai stand out so much? Is all of this my own doing, because of my foolish mistake? Did I lose so much of what I learnt? I won't accept that, I won't believe that I became the same of those fools. I am from the Abbey, I know that this world and its people cannot be trusted and that they cannot see things for what they are. I will not fall into that trap, I will not fail, not now or ever, I refuse.

I wonder how long it will be until I can return home? I do hope that they won't make me wait too long. This place is too strange, and too warm… Funny that I suddenly find the need to complain, no matter how petty a complaint it is. I really am so far from my usual self, I just want to go home, back to the Abbey and be strong again. This desire for him is making me weak and weakness is intolerable.

Tala enough already! Really, when did I become so pathetic? This is unacceptable. Concentrate on what is important and not these pathetic insecurities. You are the best the Abbey has to offer, what kind of example would this set to everyone else? Forget all the nonsense that has happened here, concentrate on what matters. Boris will not look kindly on failure or weakness and I already have enough to make up for, without making things worse with this foolish behaviour.

This idiocy with Kai is just no good, I have to regain control. The Abbey needs all of us and after everything Boris has done for me, I cannot let him down any more than I have already. Outsiders will be judged on their sins, if Kai is worthy then that will come to light, but for now, I must concentrate on my duty. We cannot allow the world to continue as it is or there will be nothing left of it. This is much more important then any feelings I may have, this is the life of the planet and everything on it.

But if that's the case, if that is what I have believed all my life, then why do my thoughts keep drifting to Kai? No, not just Kai as an object of interest, his words, his reactions, as a professional in his field. They all see the Abbey as wrong and I can't ignore that, why not? It shouldn't mean anything to me, so why do those words hold my attention so much? Do I really want to believe them? Do I really doubt Boris and our training? Why do I need him and his approval so much? This is infuriating!

To believe I have been polluted so very much in such a short time…what was I thinking? Boris will be so very displeased with me. No, I shouldn't be concentrating on this, I have a job to do. First things first, I need to arrange a meeting with them and find out what is expected of me. That is the only way I am going to get back on track.

-

A letter from Boris? Finally, I may actually get to do something, rather than sitting around so aimlessly. It has been two weeks since Kai went away and am I in a much better state than I was. It makes me wonder, just what happened, but I know it is of no relevance, especially now.

I see, so perhaps this wasn't all my fault after all, I didn't think that I'd said enough for them to take action. So this is what he had in mind all along? Then I have nothing to worry about, the test with Kai was merely to prepare me for the things to come. Good, this makes things much easier.

So that is all that is expect of me? That seems quite mild, though I suppose we mustn't start too large too quickly, lest we fail. The nihilistic tendencies of humanity must be irradiated if humanity is to survive. I have no doubt of what I must do, and I will do whatever it takes.

* * *

Well, once again, huge delay and not particularly good chapter. Sorry again. Hopefully I'll be able to pick it up again once I get past this rather difficult bit. Please review, even if it's just to complain, maybe it'll help, lol. Later. 


	9. Loves Me Not

I'm really rather surprised by just how much I needed this break. I hadn't realised how stressed I was. I don't often allow myself to feel anything though, so I suppose it isn't really surprising. I am such a hypocrite, I spend all day telling people what not to do for their mental health and then I go and do the exact thing I told them not to. I know that bottling up emotions is unhealthy, so why do I feel the need to do it? I of all people should know better.

For that much, I should be glad for Tala's rather annoying tendencies, because it is only through that I was able to realise how much damage I was doing to myself, though only with distance from everything. To remove oneself completely from that which causes harm, in order to properly evaluate the situation in a detached manner. Basic training and common sense, so why then do I seem to be so good at excluding myself from these things? Are people really so blind to themselves?

I suppose that I should concentrate on the main problem in my life right now, and attempt to figure out what exactly it is I want. Everything moved so quickly in such a short space of time that I'm not even completely sure what happened. It doesn't help that I can't read Tala either, he's a contradiction.

Physically I can't deny that he's attractive, that fact was perfectly obvious from the moment I first saw him. Under normal circumstances though, would I have even spoken to him? Probably not, I'm more the type to run than I am to actually converse with people I don't know. Though saying that, Tala doesn't seem to be the type to care, or let things stray too far. He wanted my attention and he wasn't taking no for an answer, regardless.

That is the major problem with all this though, isn't it? I'm not used to not being in control of things and neither is he. Tala won't back down and I don't want to, I'm afraid of submitting to someone else's will. He interests me a lot, but that doesn't mean anything, does it? That still isn't answering the question. Do I want to become involved with him? I do want him, badly, I know that, but that's his fault, he shouldn't have kissed me.

That feeling, it really is amazing, I have never experienced anything like it, but I don't know what it is, what it means. It's frustrating, because knowing that could answer my question. If it's just lust, then no, I don't want to get into a relationship with Tala, but if it's...

Could that really be true though? Could either of us really feel something like that? We don't even know that much about the other. That feeling though, could it really just be lust? I don't think I can make myself believe it is. The feeling is just too pure. I don't want to call it love either though, I don't believe in the concept of just meeting someone and being in love, it defies all logical rationale.

Destitution really is the closest word I can think of to describing it right now, but where would such a thing come from? What could possibly tie us together so strongly? What is it that we see in each other that we need so badly? So similar yet so very different. Strength and weakness intermingles to create one stronger form. I don't think I even know what I mean any more. I've lost the plot completely. What have you done to me Tala?

No, it isn't fair to blame everything on Tala, a lot of it is my own fault. I'm not going to let myself hide behind a lie and remove all fault from myself, I'm not that petty. After all, what kind of psychologist would I be then? Accepting blame is the first step to dealing with the problem. Only when you admit your fault and are ready and willing to do something about it, can anything be achieved, otherwise, it's all just a waste of time.

I just don't know what I want, am I lonely I wonder? Certainly as much as I hate to admit it, I have really enjoyed all the attention he's been giving me. Tala is the only person who has been able to understand me, he isn't afraid of what I do, that I'll read everything. I do enjoy his company, as uncomfortable as he makes me feel. I'm not used to being read by other people, let alone being unable to read someone else. Is that what the attraction is though?

I think that is the case, I think it's just because he actually poses a challenge to me. Tala isn't afraid to push his luck, he isn't intimidated by me at all. I like that, I like being pushed, being thrown out of my depth. So, that's all it is then? Good, that solves my problem then. Though I am still curious as to Tala's motivation in all this, not that I have much chance of figuring it out, he doesn't make any sense to me at all.

All this with the Abbey, in some ways it has helped him a lot, he's very strong for it, but in others, it's caused him so much harm, from my perspective at least. They don't share the same beliefs that we do, that much is obvious. The way he reacts to things, I think they may be anti-sociological, though they clearly aren't against hierarchy with the structure that was set up within the Abbey. So is it just the way modern society works that they have a problem with? I can't really see Tala giving me any answers about it, for everything that's happened we still don't really know anything about them.

The only thing I know for certain, is that there is much more to him than meets the eye. There are too many variables to truly have any chance of working him out, not without knowing the facts. A frustrating truth, but truth nonetheless. All I can do is try to learn a little more about him and ultimately about the Abbey, such information could be invaluable in future. Will Tala allow it though? Unfortunately he isn't like everyone else, he has a very good handle on psychology in his own right...

Think Kai, he has to have given you something you can work with. There has to be something I can work on, something that will help me understand this, at least a little better. I just need to think back and figure it out, I can do this, I know I can. I don't much like the sound of being beaten at my own game.

On that last occasion with him, he actually seemed, dare I say it, normal. He was being playful and he showed some compassion and concern, among other occasions where he's shown 'normal' characteristics. He can clearly fit into our culture, if he wants to, but that's the problem isn't it? They were bought up to dislike our culture and way of doing things.

Also, his comment about being surprised, I had wondered if he was leading everything for some purpose or other, but I do believe that he was genuinely surprised, so at least not everything in this is a game to him. The fact that he removed himself from my practice proves that he is quite capable of controlling things when he wants to, that he convinced them that he doesn't need to be there, without me being asked for my opinion shows a lot of manipulative skills.

Finally was one of the last comments we made, I said, 'you really do confuse me…' to which he replied, 'good, it makes things more interesting. What fun would it be if you could analyse me?' From that, I can only assume that at least some of his interest in me is purely intellectual, I'm apparently a little more amusing than the others because he can put me out of my comfort zone without too much difficulty, but it doesn't deter me, I still try to figure everything out.

It's hard to believe that so little time has passed, it seems as though it should be much more. I don't think I've actually seen him even a dozen times and only twice in a professional manner, though one of those was just an introduction, more speaking to the Zinrai's than to Tala. How did he manage to get such a reaction in such a short time? I don't even know what to believe, he acts so many different ways I can't keep up.

Maybe Tala doesn't know who he is, after all, he's been very restricted because of the Abbey. Could at least part of him acting in so many different ways be because he's trying to find his identity? Of course, at least part of it is for his own amusement and part of it is him playing situations to his own advantage. I suppose that could be down to insecurities, that is something I do after all, hide behind a façade of indifference...

Calm and collected, feral and lustful, afraid and insecure, playful and (playfully) sadistic. Is that all the different sides I've seen of him? By themselves, or given in a wider set of circumstance and time, none of them are unusual, it's only because he seems to jump so quickly between them that I perceive it as a problem. I don't think schizophrenia is the problem though, he has far too much self control for that, he knows what he's doing and he doesn't seem the type to 'hide' from reality, he just gets on with things.

The more I think about this, the more I want to talk to him, I want him to answer my questions for a change. Analysing a few things is all good and well, but it doesn't tell me how he thinks or feels, not really. I just don't know enough about him. Maybe I could give him a call? I don't think that the Zinrai's would mind and I know the phone is cordless, so Tala would be able to talk to me in privacy. Yes, I think I might do that, even if he won't answer me, at least that way I've tried. There isn't really much more I can do than that, is there? Really, why does he have to complicate everything so much?

-

Kai dialled the number to the Zinrai residence, hoping the the Russian redhead would be in and would be willing to talk, since Kai no longer had any professional privilege everything relied solely on Tala. Kai sighed softly as the telephone rung without answer, finally switching over to the answer machine.

"Hello, it's Kai, I was..." The message was cut short as Kai heard the telephone being answered.

"Well, hello Kai. Calling for me?" Tala's voice asked in the same mirthful tone as before.

"Yes, I was actually. I wanted to talk to you about some things." Kai heard Tala snort disdainfully, apparently knowing what Kai wanted and not being too thrilled about it.

"Still trying to analyse everything? Don't you get bored of it? I certainly do. I have no interest in answering any of that and you know it."

"Tala...I just...I just want to understand you better, what's wrong with that?"

"How you do it is what is wrong Mr Hiwatari, I told you that already. I think it is about time we ended this game, you no longer hold my attention."

"Tala wait! Please just listen to me? Can you really just throw me aside so easily? What exactly am I to you? Just a toy?"

"You really don't get it, do you Kai? Well that's okay, you don't need to understand. You don't hold any importance in this, so yes, I can drop my dealings with you that easily. You are a disappointment Kai, I expected more from you, but that no longer matters. And to answer your unasked question, no, I don't have any feelings for you, let alone love. Good bye Mr Hiwatari."

Tala turned the telephone off, leaving a stunned Kai listening to a hollow tone. After a minute had passed, Kai finally replaced the telephone on the receiver, still surprised by the redhead's words. In all his dealings with the Russian, he had never before acting in such a harsh and cold manner.

-

I can't believe that he said something like that? Why would he...? What's changed so suddenly for him to act like that? I can't...how could he say something like that? I don't believe this. Damn it Tala, how was that necessary? No, calm down Kai. Why does this even hurt so much? I don't understand, I don't have feelings for him either do I? So why do his words hurt me so much? I don't understand this at all...

Do I...no, that's just stupid, come on Kai, just stop it, that doesn't matter at all. It isn't as though I didn't already know that he didn't love me, so what does it matter if he said it? We weren't in a relationship and we weren't ever going to be, it doesn't make any difference. I don't think I can make myself believe this, the truth is that Tala got under my skin, I did actually care for him, even if I shouldn't have done.

I don't know how much of it may have been a lie, or a game, but I'm sure that not all of it was. I know some of it was real, so something has to have changed while I've been away. Could it be something to do with the Abbey? After all, Tala did admit that what happened was because of him, because of them. I can only assume that whatever he said meant that they got back in touch, which is presumably why he removed himself from my registry.

Still I'm worried about that, is it possible that Tala is trying to push me away? If so, why? It could be to protect me or him, but from what? Would the Abbey hurt us if they thought Tala cared for me? Or it could be that he doesn't want any ties because it makes 'job' harder? I'd rather believe that it's the latter, though either way he's running away and hurting me in the process.

Of course, I could be completely wrong, that wouldn't surprise me, I am trying to make it at least somewhat positive towards myself. The fact of the matter is that I don't have a clue how he feels, maybe this has all just been a game? I suppose the only way I have any chance of finding out is by going back and seeing him, even if he doesn't want to see me. I don't think I can leave it like this...

* * *

It's a little longer, a little quicker to get doneand hopefully a little better quality than the last couple. Hope you like it. Please let me know. Thanks! 


	10. In the End

I wonder if Kai will have got the message? Knowing him, probably not. Still, hopefully I'll be gone before he comes back. I don't much like the idea of having to carry through Boris' ultimatum. I suppose it's my own fault, I shouldn't have these feelings in the first place, let alone have acted on them so openly. I do feel a little guilty for being so harsh with him, but unless he thinks I hate him, or feel nothing at all, he won't give up. I don't expect even that much will dissuade him however, Kai isn't any more used to these feelings than I am, so I don't think he's just going to give up.

It's really a shame that he's so persistent, it will get him hurt, one way or other. Still, that is part of the reason I like him, he's strong willed, not one to quit, he just steps back and thinks of another way around it, which is why I'm quite sure he won't just leave this be. The question is whether he will wait a while, or if he'll rush in. Under 'normal' circumstances, he would wait and analyse everything, but he sounded quite desperate on the phone, so I'm worried he may act quickly. I don't want him coming back here until after I'm gone.

From the letter I can only assume that Boris is less than pleased with my apparent relationship with Kai, I need to convince him that there isn't anything to worry about. That is easy enough with Kai out of the way, but if he stands in the way, I may be required to harm him in order to prove my loyalty.

Regardless, I have more important issues to consider. Things are about to move forward, it seems there is far more to this place than meets the eye. It was quite foolish of me not to realise, after all, why else would they send me here? The one they seem to think is of the weakest loyalty in the Abbey. This place is designed for manipulating people into following their beliefs. The strength and influence of this nihilists is far greater here than I had allowed myself to believe.

On that fact, it is quite possible that Kai is involved as well, but I don't believe that to be the case. He isn't weak, his isn't completely part of the herd, he has his own beliefs as well as sharing those of the herd. More than that though, Kai is open and honest, he truly wants to help people, he's not a knowing part of this game, just another toy.

They want to know about the Abbey because we are a threat, one they want to destroy, but they dare not move too quickly forward, because they don't know enough about us. Despite all their hard work, the Abbey and it's capabilities are still a mystery to them. That was where Kai came in, his curiosity for knowledge combined with my supposed weakness meant they could learn what they needed to know. That was the idea at least, too bad for them it didn't work.

Once the Abbey struck out, they presumed that I had been abandoned, but it also came to light in the fact that Kai said nothing, that he had become too deeply involved and so no longer proved useful to them. Better he be allowed to return to the herd than risk becoming a threat to it himself, which is why they approved my request to be removed as a client of his so easily. Of course, the other hope was that I shared his feelings and so by spending time with him away from a psychological environment I would be better integrated into their society and beliefs.

Their continual underestimation of me has most definitely worked in our favour however, they have no idea of what is to come, they truly believe that I am a failure, removed from the Abbey, one that will provide all the help and reassurances they want. On the contrary, I am the best trained of everyone and I am a fundamental part of taking you fools out. So blinded by your petty beliefs, morals and virtues, decadence has set in so far already, in such cases, one must completely remove the tumour, lest it continue to grow and spread.

My place in this, as set by Boris, though with no knowledge of such myself, was but simply to find the heart of the decay and corruption, you have played into our hands so very easily. But then, what else was to be expected? The blind cannot see danger, no matter how close it is and with such decadence and anti-naturalism in place, instincts are beyond lacking as well. There really was no threat to us at all, only to you. Boris knows that I won't fail him, none of us will. Which reminds me, it's about time I got going, I have to find out my mission objectives from Boris.

-

Tala stepped into the abandoned warehouse, ignoring the eyes he felt on him. He knew that he was in no danger, his instincts told him that he was among friends. He continued towards the small office, as the letter had instructed. Despite his calm exterior however, Tala was anxious about the meeting, he wasn't sure what Boris would expect of him in regards to Kai. Finally Tala entered the office, though stayed in the doorway, waiting for Boris' instructions.

"Close the door and take a seat." Boris said bluntly, not bothering to look up from the desk he was currently sat behind.

Tala quickly but calmly did as he was asked, before waiting for Boris to speak again. He could tell that Boris was unsure of something because he was irritated, which meant Tala had to be careful. Losing his temper with Boris now would be a bad idea, regardless of what he was told to do.

"We are on a tight schedule Tala, I can count on you to do whatever is necessary I assume?"

"Of course Sir. What is it you need me to do?"

"We need to 'make some noise' but for us, the task is somewhat more difficult. What I want you to do Tala, is to take a few materials into your new friends' building. I'm sure you can think of something to talk to them about. Then once you leave, we can take care of the rest."

"Understood Sir."

"This place must be extinguished. This poison must not be allowed to remain."

"Yes Sir."

"Everything must be destroyed Tala. Can I trust you to partake?"

"Yes Sir. My loyalty is as it has always been, I will do anything you ask of me."

Boris smiled slightly, standing up, he looked directly at Tala. "I am very pleased to hear that, though I expected no less from you. After all, you are my greatest success."

"Thank you Sir, I won't let you down."

Boris nodded before opening a metal briefcase that had been placed at the side of the desk. Tala knew without looking that the case contained some sort of explosive, something insignificant that wouldn't raise suspicion. Though it also required getting a remote detonator inside, which could prove to be more difficult. Without question or hesitance Tala took the charge and detonator, slipping them into the pockets of his leather jacket. He then nodded to Boris before leaving.

-

Well that wasn't quite as bad as I had feared, Kai wasn't really mentioned at all. I'm surprised Boris wants to take things this far though, for us to act so openly... I've always known that we'd have to at some point, but it seems a little early, none of us really know what to do. I suppose that we'll just have to learn quickly, Boris wouldn't be acting unless we were ready and the time was right. Besides, we aren't really going to have any problems with this place, it's too small and back-water.

To destroy everything...that was the closest he got to talking about Kai. Destroy everything, does that mean everyone has to die? That seems pretty extreme... I hope he just meant the town and not it's population. I know these people are weak, but killing everyone won't do us any good either, otherwise all human life ends, the Abbey has no women in it.

Saying that, I suppose I can't really be surprised that I seem to have homosexual tendencies, nor would I be surprised if most of the others did too, after all, the lack of women is not going to stunt the natural sex drive, not that Boris wants that. Though the reason we don't have any women in the Abbey, other than the fact that most regard the herd instinct highly and are nihilists, is because we simply don't have the time in our training to deal with their needs.

It seems a shame really that they never took the time. Despite Nietzsche's not so favourable ideas of women, given the right upbringing, they are no different than we are. They only behave the way they do because they are bought up to believe that is the ways things are meant to be. Besides, that was a long time ago now, the role and character of women has changed since his time, I'm quite sure they would be useful.

We know now after all that they make good soldiers, especially when it comes to espionage and sniping. Also, having no women extricated from standard beliefs seems like a hind-sight on Boris' part, unless of course I'm wrong and there are others, just separate from the Abbey. That could be why Boris seemed disappointed with this whole mess with Kai. I am his best after all, the one he wants the best for, and expects the most from...

Anyway, I have more important matters to be considering. I need to figure out an excuse for visiting them and I need to work out where to plant the charge. I need to consider where I have access to, as well as remembering where all the security cameras are, since this restricts where I can plant the charge. I need somewhere out of the way, out of sight that I have reasonable access to, I can't afford to raise suspicion either. Minimum risk, maximum damage... Now think Tala, what is the best location?

-

Right, I know what to do and how to do it, all I have to do is pull it off. I don't want to let them down after all, what kind of example would that be setting? The most difficult part will be balancing my emotional output so that they think I'm genuine. Should they think something is wrong it could ruin everything and I can't afford to let that happen. Honestly, what is this? Since when do I ever doubt myself? Just get on with it already.

Now all I have to do is convince them to let me in and then make a pit-stop to the lavatory to plant the charge. Neither should be difficult. The most difficult part in the process will be the conversation with them. The main problem will be leaving relatively quickly without raising suspicion. If I'm going to them for help, why would I leave abruptly? That part I shall have to 'play-by-ear', no amount of planning will help.

Still I don't normally have much to say and I can always feign not being ready to go into any details. They have a tendency of believing what they want, rather than being objective, so really it shouldn't pose too much difficulties. It's too late to be worrying about this anyway, I've already agreed to get this done and the fact that I'm about to go inside the building definitely means that it's far too late to be having second thoughts. Besides, compared to some of the things Boris has had me do, this really is easy. The only reason that I'm worrying is because I don't know how far Boris intends to take this.

Okay, I'm in without any problems, though with the girl at the reception I doubt it would be difficult to get in even if I were openly armed, she seems that she'd over-look anything I did. While I won't deny that the slender brunette is attractive, she seems to be lacking in the intellect department, and with the low-cut short scarlet dress, she looks more like a prostitute than a receptionist. Though saying that, I expect that's precisely what got her the job, those in charge are all middle-aged men with over-active imaginations, I'm sure they love her attire.

Never mind that Tala, get on with things already. The charge and detonator need to be combined and set. There is either an air vent located in one of the cubicles, or there is the main pipe, that the charge can sit behind. While the vent would maximise the damage a little more, there is the chance of a security system of some description being installed, so the pipe is probably the safer bet. Placed as close to the door as reasonably possible will help with the distribution of the blast and it is concealed within one of the cubicles, I shall just have to hope that the cubicle is question isn't occupied...

Luck it seems is on my side, the entire room is empty. That makes things much easier and much quicker. Right, all set, everything is in place and working so that's half of it down. Now I just have to talk to them and get out, and the sooner the better as far as I'm concerned. I don't much like the idea of being in a building that is set to explode... It isn't that I don't trust Boris and the others, just that accidents happen, charges can quite easily be set off unintentionally.

I forgot how boring and irritating these people are, but at least they're gullible as well, it didn't take much to convince them that I'm afraid the Abbey is going to come after me. Offering no validation for that 'belief' has worked in my favour as well, they're not overly interested in listening to me until I have something interesting to say. I give it another minute or two before they usher me out.

Wonderful, that was as effortless as I should have expected it to be. It's rather disturbing just how much they managed to affect me. I can understand why Boris sent me and why this was handled the way it has been. Still, for everything they did achieve, they were never going to make me like them, I will never fall that far. Anyway, this façade is over, I have no need to concern myself with it any longer. All I need to do is head back to the others and find out what Boris wants me to do next.

-

Tala quickly headed back to the warehouse, making sure the entire time that he wasn't being followed. Boris would be less than pleased if Tala were to make such an amateur mistake. This time upon entering the warehouse however, his way to Boris' office was blocked. Tala frowned slightly placing his hands on his hips.

"We need to talk Tala, Boris will wait a while before he gives his orders." Bryan stated bluntly.

"Talk? About what?" Tala snapped back.

"You know what Tala, that boy." Ian stated, preventing Bryan from snapping at the redhead again.

"Kai, is none of your concern. Anything I may have done here is not your business. The idea was to 'fit in' after all..." Tala replied sharply.

"Come on now Tala, don't get so defensive, we're just a little, concerned, that's all." Spencer replied calmly, not wanting them to start fighting.

Tala was 'top-dog', everyone knew that, but the three of them had seen changes in their leader that they were none to fond of. Boris had only trusted Tala with so much because he was capable of interacting with outsiders without getting involved, but this time was different. Tala had shown genuine affection and concern for the bluenette, something that was very out of character. It wasn't that they didn't trust Tala, it was because they trusted him that they were worried, but unfortunately Bryan wasn't one for emotions, and usually anger was the only one he seemed to feel.

Tala sighed, removing his hands from his hips. "Look, I understand, but you're out of order. I'm not going anywhere, so just relax. My loyalty is with the Abbey, or I wouldn't be here, now would I?"

"You promise Tala? You'll do as Boris asks if that boy comes?" Bryan asked in a concerned tone, surprising the others.

"Yes. I'll follow my orders, as always."

"That's great Tala! We were worried you were going to ditch us, Boris included. Still...do you really care about him?" Ian jumped from excited to concerned making Tala smirk.

Tala shrugged, letting the smirk fade. "I really don't know, probably not. Wouldn't be like me if I did, would it?"

"No, it wouldn't. That's good, so long as this place hasn't taken you from us." Bryan stated, losing the annoyance he had shown since Tala had arrived.

"Of course not. You don't really think I'm that weak do you?" Tala replied playfully removing the remaining traces of tension.

"Enough now boys. It's time to prepare." Boris stated calmly before walking towards the main hall.

Tala nodded to the three others before following Boris, knowing that they would be right behind him. Any concerns he may have had with the Abbey's actions had been removed, and he would do his duty as he had always done, he wasn't going to let them down. Just as they had lost any doubt they may have had in him. Everything had returned to the way it had always been, the way they wanted it to be.

-

Well that was certainly interesting. Things won't be particularly difficult to get done at least, nor does it require much if any bloodshed. I suppose I was a little foolish to have presumed it would be anything more than scare tactics, but then, I seemed to have lost a little perspective during my stay here. As I said, killing them is less useful then 'reprogramming' them, if there is no one alive then there is no survival of humankind. All we need to do is open the eyes of the populous, which will by no means be easy, but it is necessary.

If they truly understood the consequences of their actions, and I mean really understood, they couldn't possibly continue as they are now, right? I'm not too sure that I'm convinced of that, people seem to be pretty stupid. The herd instinct is very strong, removing that, or even moulding it into something less destructive would be difficult. It's frustrating to think that way, to think that all our hard work could very well be for nothing, but we have to try nonetheless.

Everything can be taught, even if the older generations don't take too well to this, the younger generation is easier to change, after all, they are already being brainwashed by society. I think the most difficult part of this will probably be the simple fact that people no longer want to work for anything, they want everything as easy as possible. Anything that requires any sort of effort is discarded for something easier, even the most simple of tasks is 'improved' with technology. It truly shows just how bad the decline of the human race is. For that reason, we have to do everything in our power to change things.

In some ways it seems a shame to destroy this quaint little town, for all it's faults it is quite beautiful and peaceful. It is very dangerous for that reason however, subtle poisons can be far worse than aggressive ones. Certainly, to affect me so much without my realising it is impressive and very worrying. This is quite the weapon, such subtle manipulation, but it only works so long as you don't know it's there, now that I do it can't affect me any more.

I should probably be concentrating a little more on what I'm doing, rather than everything else, not that I suppose it makes much difference. Other than the fact that I'm pretty much done now, this doesn't require much attention, it's mainly just 'mindless' destruction. Of course there isn't anything mindless about it, all our actions are precision tactical strikes. For whatever reason, they seem to believe that many of our acts are random and senseless, but we certainly don't operate that way. For everything a reason. All it requires is a little common sense, even if they don't understand what it is that we're working for.

-

Tala slowly around the rubble left after his final assignment had been completed, double-checking everything was as it should be. The redhead was known for being a perfectionist, not that it was a title he minded. Once he was happy that everything had been completed properly he started heading back to the warehouse. Then when everyone had returned they would be able to start on their way back to Moscow and the Abbey.

So far everything had proceeded according to plan and there had been very little resistance. People it seemed were not willing to stand up and defend their properties or 'friends and neighbours', despite the teachings they apparently lived under. Given the option to leave or die, most chose to run away, never questioning the validity of the threat. The few who did chose to fight back were stopped easily enough, but they were the important ones, those with strong wills were capable of accepting the truth.

Tala walked casually from the street and through the gate that led to the warehouse. He had checked a few other things on his way back, so he knew that he would be the last to return. He usually double-checked the work to some degree to make sure everyone was doing their jobs properly, and it also took some of the stress from Boris and the others. Of course it also strengthened his position and importance, which he would not complain about.

Tala had walked about half of the yard when he heard someone call his name from the gate. He sighed softly, recognising the voice as being Kai's. His hopes of the bluenette staying out of the way had been destroyed. Tala casually turned towards the boy, who had run to close the distance between them, Kai finally stopping about 5 feet away from Tala.

"Tala...what? You haven't..." Kai spluttered, breathing heavily.

"You're not making much sense you know. So very out of character..." Tala stated half-sarcastically.

"What's going on Tala? What is all this."

Tala sighed softly, allowing his eyes to close briefly before walking to Kai and wrapping his arms around his neck, pulling Kai into a chaste kiss.

"You know Mr Hiwatari, you've caused me a lot of problems. That's okay though, all that is over with now."

"Tala please, stay here? Don't go with them, don't do this."

"So weak...you're making us both weak, you know, I almost... Anyway, you don't need to worry any more. Good bye Kai."

Tala placed a soft kiss on Kai's lips before stepping backwards. Kai frowned not wanting to Tala to leave, but also unsure of the meaning of Tala's words.

"Please stay Kai? I love you."

Tala smiled disdainfully, putting his hands into his coat pockets. "I had rather hoped that you wouldn't say those words Kai. I had hoped that perhaps you would prove us wrong. You do keep disappointing me Mr Hiwatari. Good bye."

Tala removed his right hand from his pocket and it took Kai a moment to register that Tala had something in his hand, by which point his world went black. Tala placed the silenced pistol back in his pocket and turned back to face the warehouse and his waiting colleagues. All loose ends had been tied up and there would be nothing left to make him doubt himself or his position. Now the only thing there was to think about was their mission and failure was never an option.

* * *

Now before you start trying to kill me, I never said Kai was dead, that's up to you to decide :-p

Anyway, finally finished! Yay! Thanks for the reviews, and for putting up with some pretty awful chapters...

Also thanks to Der Wille zur Macht (The Will to Power) by Friedrich Nietzsche for Tala's perspective on things, his ideas are very interesting (so if you want to know more, read it, lol).

Hope you all enjoyed! Da svidaniya (bye)!


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